Blessed Reflections...again

*This was originally posted on Oct 31st, 2006 - Wooow, how time flies! As my solo-flight seems to be drawing to a close I found this post perfect for the season of Thanksgiving & felt the need to share it again, including the two original comments. Besides, many of U may have missed it back when I was blog-green;-). And don't U just love this photo of me? It's one of my faves! LOL! Enjoy!

Reflections are such a blessing. I wish everyone of you, readers the blessings of truly loving and passionate experiences, which you can recall with vivid fondness.

If The Creator never sends another passion filled man into my heart I will die a grateful woman. Many of you will read this and wonder why such a young, vibrant woman as I am would even consider dying without another loving experience. I just want The Creator to know how thankful I am for the experiences I have had since my birth. First, I was blessed to be born to parents who loved me despite their own struggles to love themselves. My father is my best friend and I am eternally grateful for that blessing. My mother is a tough woman who has suffered much loss, resulting in struggles with herself. Nevertheless, I have always known that I was loved. Sometimes, being loved means being envied and hated for the love that others grant easily. Sometimes, being loved means feeling as if the love is undeserved, because I didn't understand what made me so special.

For years, sadly, I foolishly batted away the love that was thrust upon me, simply because I felt I was an unworthy recipient. Well, maybe not totally unworthy, but I felt there were others who deserved love, too (maybe even needed it more than I did, so I thought). I witnessed many others around me who reeally needed love, but didn't get it as easily as I. I send up apologies to those who tried to love me and were rudely, unjustly mistreated because of my ignorance. I did not realize that pushing love away from me would not send it to the people who were love-lacking. I did not realize that I deserved to be loved - just because...I AM one of The Creator's artworks that took time to develop. I deserve to be loved - just because. Regardless of the circumstances, my parents came together in love and I was a result of that rebellious risk and bond. I deserve to be loved - just because ... I AM loving and lovable.

I have experienced a quiet, romantic-love-slow year in which I have been able to reflect, rehash, and even flail about in frustration:-). In this year, I have especially missed the romance, love and tenderness that Black men would bestow upon me. In this year, I have reminisced on the true gifts and love blessings that I have received over the course of my years, many which I did not treat with the deserved reverence. In this romantic-love-slow year, I have fondly recalled the nuances and flirtations that I have been blessed with. Though, I may have been foolish on many levels, I am grateful that I enjoyed many of the courtship & sensational subtleties and flirtations before the onslaught of blatantly overt sexual promotion found in today's media. As I watch the "court-ship" of young people today, I often wonder if there is any chance that they may enjoy some of the delights and innocence as I did. I guess, truth be told, even before the sex-glut of the media, there was often some "fresh" boy who attempted to touch me inappropriately and made me feel as if this female body I was "trapped in" was an object that brought on unwanted attention. But, for the most part I was blessed with respectful overtures.

I can only hope that today's young women do still enjoy the attentions of honorable young men who truly appreciate them and all the glories of their femininity: mind, spirit and body. The memories of simply holding hands with my first love conjure stirrings within me to this day. When we held hands, we did so secretly - we thought. There was such intensity in those feather-light touches that the connection to his one hand set off sparks over my entire being. A mere look from him across a crowd would set my heart racing and render me speechless. The thought that such a handsome, smart, athletic boy found me worthy of so much of his attention was mind boggling and breath-taking.

I have to laugh as I reflect on my past, in frustration. My love life has been made up of the "stuff" of romance novels, and I took too much of it for granted. I have experienced some melodrama, but overall I have simply been the recipient of affection from many whom I had no idea how to reciprocate. I don't agree with women who bemoan the lack of good men, I am quiet during those conversations as I scream inside my head, "This is so unfair to the many who love us, yet we don't accept or understand them!" I have encountered my share of good, decent Brothers and turned them away because I was unable to appreciate them. Now, I'm praying that The Creator does sometimes send out second helpings:-). Old folks say that "The Lawd takes care of fools and babies." I'm praying that the old folk are right, again:-).

I must thank you, Creator. As frustrated as I have often found myself in this romantic-love-slow year, I have learned to recognize and appreciate the love that I get from family and friends. I have learned to recognize what I truly need in a romantic relationship. I have learned how to provide some of my emotional support, so that I won't overwhelm, nor suffocate the next Brother who enters into a romantic relationship with me. Yes, reflection is a wonderful blessing.

May we all enjoy this season of Thanxgiving - cuz, really Thanx Giving is Every Day! :-)

Git 2 know U & Me: Hanging OUT in Harlem;-)

Reminder:
I'll be looking to meet more Bloggers/Lurkers at the following events/parties this week:

Thanx 4 callin' in Rich: Sunday, June 15th to my evening:
BTRadio Show on Confidence & Gettin' Comfy with Self!

1) Eb The Celeb's Co-Hosting monthly!
[My Bad for flaking out on your first one, Sis. I got NO excuse in July.]

Wednesday, June 18, you are invited to Kick Off Summer in Harlem.
@ Covo Tratoria
701 West 135th Street and 12th Ave
(212) 234-9573
Featuring happy hour food and drink specials from 7pm-12am.

2) Several Writers & Artists who also Blog will be meeting me & LoveBabz at Harlem's newest, much raved about wine bar: Nectar at about 8:30pm on Friday the 20th;-). Since LoveBabz'll be with me I'll probably be more prompt than usual. LOL! If u don't wanna chance missing us - leave your email addy in the comments & i'll send u my cell number (Don't wanna miss u again, Yellow Rebel;-).

3) Organized Noise is Doing a Great Deed!

Liquid Lyrics: Words Over Manhattan -- An intimate night of poetry and spoken word. Saturday, June 21, 2008 7-10pm. Rio Gallery II 583 Riverside Drive (135th Street) - 7th Floor, Harlem, New York 10031. Admission - $10

Where ELSE can U listen to/share your poetry, mingle and support a scholarship fund raiser? His alumni association is raising money to offset the cost of tuition for students (from New York) who are currently at Morgan State University. How cool is THAT? A party with a purpose;-). If u wanna be showcased - head over to Organized's spot & let him know. I'm sharing & hope to hear U, too;-).

Le's Get this Summer Started RIGHT!! ;-)

BlueBe Not Afraid Mondays

Been talking to my Daddy & a coupla friends (including bloggers) on the topic of FEAR. I've recently learned two new ways to look at FEAR:

F &%k
E verything
A nd
R un
-or-
F ace
E verything
A nd
R ejoice

I realize that both are valid depending on the circumstances. Below (and each Monday until I exhaust this topic;-) - I'll list some examples of each in my experience;-). I will try to balance them out -- it is my life goal to overcome most of my fears & the things that make me hesitate in life. I want to live a courageous life because too often fears are crippling and limiting. I know a man who has such a fear of going above the first floor of a building. Do you know how many opportunities and life experiences I would miss if I stayed on the ground level of buildings in NEW YORK CITY? I wish him well, but I am driven to overcome fears that have the potential to keep me from enjoying a full life.

I know that some fears are instincts that help keep us safe - like fear of falling or the fear of a gun pointing in your direction. And I know most other fears are reactions to tragic experiences. However, I want to train myself to believe there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to fear! Even God is not be feared, but should be revered! An example of overcoming a serious "logical" fear: If a gun is pointed in my direction I want my instincts to kick in and an alternative to be realized - either I'll talk the gun pointer into turning the gun elsewhere, I'll run in a zig-zagged pattern, or something. But, I NEVAH evah want to be paralyzed by fear. I feel strongly about this - especially now that we, U.S. residents live under a fear-mongering presidential regime who gets its rox off by promoting fear.

Sometimes I have felt the need to: F.%&k E.verything A.nd R.un:
1. When I encounter barking dogs - especially big dogs.
2. When I encountered snakes - especially in college - needed to walk a wooded path.
3. Flying on airplanes makes my heart race.

I'm Proud when I have: F.aced E.verything A.nd R.ejoiced:
1. Encounter the dog owners & learn the dogs weren't as bad as I had initially thought. Now, it's the owners I watch.
2. Volunteered at the Nat'l Zoo in DC & learned about snakes - even handled a few.
3. When I fly I pull out my journal and write exactly what I'm feeling and EVERY time it's helped to calm my nerves - even through turbulence (besides, where am I going to run TO once I'm on the plane?;-).

What fears are U working to overcome?

*click image for source & info. on Edvard Munch.

Quick Question 4 my Blog Fam;-)

What's the Purpose of your Blog?

Do U blog to Vent, Entertain, Network, Meet someone spesh, Motivate others, Promote your biz, etc. ... ???
Initially, I began blogging in order to climb out of my creative closet & share my work with others who did not know me (when I share with family and friends they say nice things cuz they have to love me;-). When I began interacting with other bloggers my blog seemed to change every time I was influenced by one of your blogs;-). I think I'm going to return to my original blogging purpose: a place to share my creative works in progress for feedback from folk who don't know me too personally;-). One day you'll look back and say: "I actually commented on a bit of her 1st (or 10th;-) best-selling novel!" -or- "I remember some of that piece! She changed it a bit thanks to bloggers' comments.";-)

What about U? What do U use your blog for?
*click image for source.

2008 Will Be Great: As I Continue to Spread My Wings

There are a mere eleven days left in 2007. This past year has been wonderfully full of learning and seed planting for me. Often times, harvesting the best life-crops is rough: lots of rock-hard thought patterns and debris to be worked around, over and out as I prepare the ground work.

I've come out of my writer's shell and been blessed to join a new book project. I've spent time with some incredible authors (both established and budding) who encourage and inspire me to keep-a comin' on as Brother Sterling Brown did. Proudly, there is substance building in my first novel, featuring Reyna - who you'll meet in the new book project. God willing that first novel will be birthed/published by Fall 2008. I have developed an educational work book and workshop for parents who need assistance in selecting schools then helping their children through school once enrolled. That website will be launched in early 2008. Slowly, I am learning prosperity principles and that networking is a noble skill. I have made some incredible contacts with others who are life-long entrepreneurs who welcome me to their "fold" as long as they see that I'm about my hustle, too. I have read many truly inspirational books (including the one pictured above: The Bond) which have helped me understand myself better, as well as, my place in the world. I feel my relationships are getting richer as a result.

All of this growth and development was going on as I entered into my second year of partial employment. This partial employment experience has taught me that I really will be alright despite the chaos thrown at me by the world. This year of partial employment snatched the controlling reins from my grip as I was forced to accept the blessings offered and to trust as folx (too many to list here, for now:-) have stepped in to support me in a myriad of ways (thanx to them I haven't lost an ounce;-). This year's self reflection has revealed that I need to return to the independent school world to continue to grow where I was rooted.

May ALL of us take flight in what I trust will be a GREAT 2008 filled with Love, Life and Dancing in the Prosperity of Our Blessings!

Click images for sources.

Enjoy this and EVERY Season...

Took a moment to look around the Blog-o-sphere a bit today and lots of holiday topics. Not that I'm a "Grinch" (okay, some may think otherwise;-), but the only thing I like about this commercially hyped season is all the pretty lights (especially since the short days kinda drag on me). I am delighted that this season my family has taken the pressure off of spending (great for me & my employment situation;-). Only the family babies will get gifts - while the adults get ... toasted! CHEERS!

Enjoy your Holiday Spirits responsibly! PLEASE ... No drinking and driving:
1) You'll waste a daYum good drink when u hit a pothole or swerve away from the other drunks bad drivers.
2) I want to see all of my Blog-Folk in the New Year - cuz 2008's gonna be GREAT!

Here's wishing U & your loved ones the BEST no matter what or how U choose to celebrate.

Click on image for source.

Nostalgic...NOT

Wow. My Mom slapped me "skrait" back to reality and out of that nostalgia that I had slipped into while I was "home" for my Thanxgiving visit.

I had a much needed wonderful time with family and friends this past weekend. I mean: the food was plentiful and delicious (& since most of my family is vegetarian or health conscious - I could stay "on track", for the most part;-), I got my drink on, boogie on AND flirt on (with my girls on Friday night). One of my good friends has returned from the ATL to DC to teach at our favorite school where we met, because as she says, "They're one of the only private schools that really gets it".

As I absorbed all of that love and information my "heart" wheels started spinning and the thought came to mind: Maybe I should return to DC, too. I'll be surrounded by folks who love me and no doubt, I could easily slip into a well paying gig at my favorite school. So, I took the chance to see what my family thought of that idea as we sat around "kickin' it". I could barely form the question, "Should I move ba--??"

My mother spat out a resounding, "NO!"

Well --- I guess that's settled. LOL!

But, join me as I groove with Ahmad anyway:

Strength in Vulnerability

I get it. Not sure if I'm ready to practice it, yet. But, I finally get it. I finally understand the strength that lies within vulnerability. I understand that the "strong", independent women who didn't need nobody who I have grown up surrounded by were actually afraid of being vulnerable. We have been afraid to trust the strength that is in vulnerability. I went to see Tyler Perry's newest movie, Why Did I Get Married. It was an entertaining movie. I most appreciate the fact that it sparked some real conversation with a close friend about a key aspect in relationships: vulnerability.

Generally, going into relationships I'm "looking for" honesty, commitment, financial sense, blahde, blah... After watching and discussing the various aspects of those four or five movie relationships I was made aware of the fact that I have only allowed myself to truly open up and be completely vulnerable to ONE man in my romantic past. Wow...it was a revelation to know how guarded I really have been in the past. In the discussion with my good friend, I realized that being vulnerable will not lead to catastrophe - even if the individual with whom I'm vulnerable does not appreciate me or all that I give. The worst that can happen is they fuck up my credit, spend all of my life's savings, take all of my earthly belongings including a few "cookies";-). But, those are material objects that Do Not Define me. I can always recuperate material gains. But, love, passion, faith - those cannot be gained without the vulnerable action of stepping into God's flow with another fallible human being. I already know what it's like to be broke financially. I even know what it's like to be broken hearted and to fly solo for years. Now, I want to know what it's like to fly in tandem. Creator, I'm not sure what you're planning for me, but I. think. I'm. ready. May The Creator bless you in your relationships. Thanks for "listening".

*click on image to enlarge and for source.

What do U do when U find yourself alone?

There was a question on another blog about whether you can live without sex. Now, technically mammals only need water, air and food to live. But, the responses were such that most did not believe it possible to live without sex. So, I want to take that question a step further.

IF you find yourself without a partner, what do you do?
Instead of CAN you live without sex, I ask: How do you live without sex?

Addendum after responding to several comments:
I guess what I'm really asking is - If you don't have a partner that you adore - do you deal with Mr./Mrs. Right NOW?

Okay - I'm puttin' my bi'ness out here: I never in my post-teen years IMAGINED that I would experience such a drought as I am now. This is clearly God's way of making me slow my role. I wasn't a SUPER freak - but I was SUPER picky. I was one of those sistahs who enjoyed the company of a Brother ... critically. In my head: if I could "get" this Brother then surely, I could trade up for a better model? Yea, it was what it was. No lie: I was that kind of sistah. So, now I am given puh-lenty of time to really evaluate myself. I'm not gonna lie, this ish ain't NO JOKE! Now, I know that I had it ALL wrong - I'm not supposed to make the decision: that's The Creator's job. He knows all that I need & He implanted me with these desires. Loaard, knows I hope I've learned my lesson and when the next GOOD, FINE to me, Brother comes into my life I will appreciate all that he IS and all that he offers. In Jesus' name I pray!

*click on image to enlarge and for its source.

How would U feel?

The logical side of my brain says, "Let it go." And for the most part, I think I have. But, every so often, like a passing bad scent, a memory is evoked that "calls up" this unpleasant experience.

This is a true story. If you were on this trip and are reading this I hope you can understand just how hurt I was behind this. I'm not writing about this to call anyone out, but to get it out of me - hopefully, once and for all. I tend to be Happy Go Lucky, but on those rare occasions when my feelings do get hurt I am more puzzled than anything.

About four or five years ago some friends and I planned this fabulous trip to Jamaica! We were fairly frequent visitors of the island because it is so beautiful and not too expensive (at least, those were my reasons;-). We became comfortable ignoring the pleas to braid our hair, purchase ganja, or any number of items being forcefully sold, so we could really enjoy the sun, beaches, food, and wonderful people. But, what made this particular trip fabulous is the fact that it was our first trip back to Jamaica since I'd moved to NYC, so we were going to meet at our resort. That minor fact, made me feel extra grown and sexy! I had visions of me as Angela Bassett/Stella;-). We were even treating ourselves and staying at one of the newest and highly acclaimed resorts completed in MoBay that year!

Generally, I like to make my own travel plans, but one of our girls assured me that her travel agent could handle it. The flight was more expensive than I expected to pay, but in the spirit of the trip, I was going with the flow. "Everyt'ing would be irie!"

I arrived in Jamaica in the evening. Initially, that bothered me because I like to arrive at vacations as early in the day as possible and leave from the location as late as possible. That pattern of travel makes me feel as if I've earned extra vacation days. But again, "everyt'ing was irie!" As my plane landed I enjoyed some of the most beautiful colors I've ever witnessed naturally. The sky was shades of blue with streaks of deep lavenders and fuschias. There were also distant flashes of lightening and I love watching lightening storms, especially, since we were safely on the ground. I sent up thanks to the heavens for this evening flight that allowed me to witness such wonders.

I was shuttled to the resort, left my bags with the front desk, asked them to point me to their bar and just as I envisioned: my girls had secured a spot and the party was on! The rest of the stay was uneventfully cool. I did my best to take full advantage of the sun, the spa services and the delicious drinks;-). There was some tension in our group, but what do you expect when so many women travel together? This one wants to go to this place, that one wants to take that tour, etc. I was going with the flow, cuz "everyt'ing was irie."

Then we left to return to the States...maybe if we had different flights this would not have been an issue. But, I walked toward the long line for coach and my girls all head toward First Class, so I started thinking that maybe they had to ship something and they are walking past the First Class station. I notice that a couple of my girls got really busy looking in their purses or fiddling with their packages. And the one who made the travel arrangements began to "fast talk" me: we'll just tell them that you're with us and you need to change your ticket. I. felt. like. crap. I had been duped, hoodwinked, bamboozled and I stood there at the counter with "my girls" and was made to feel like they were doing me a "favor" by "attempting" to upgrade the ticket of their nanny, or maid or some shyt! The fact that I was dumbfounded and speechless made me really look like I was a non-English (or any intelligible language) speaking 'servant'. The ticket agent did allow me to board with First Class, saving me further embarrassment of walking to the back of that long azzzz line, but DAYUM.

I was too hurt to cry. I didn't even know what to say. I talked it over with one mutual friend a week after I returned home. It was suggested that I speak to my "best" friend of the group, ask her why no one told me that tickets were being up graded to First Class. Why wasn't I given that option? I may not be "paid" yet, but I've got good credit! I don't generally like confrontations. I tried to sound casual when I asked my "girl" what was up with the travel arrangements? It was "brushed off" quickly: "Oh, you know how So&So is." And that was the end of it - the conversation changed. No apologies or explanation for the fact that I was IN JAMAICA with these chicks for SEVEN days and NOT one of them could give me a head's up. Heck, I could've upgraded from the hotel, or something! At the very least, I wouldn't have stood there like BooBoo the DaYum fool.

I know it was years ago, but every time I get a reminding 'whiff' of that trip, my stomach aches slightly all over again. Needless to say, that is not one of the trips we recount fondly, nor have I ever let anyone else make my travel arrangements. Of course, it also crosses my mind that the reason my flight ticket was so expensive was because I paid for their DAYUM First Class Tickets. It should not cost that much to get from NYC to Jamaica round trip. NYC is dayum near a Jamaican annex!

I do hope that if I've ever hurt anyone's feelings who I consider dear to me, I would be woman enough to apologize if they asked me why I did it. Sadly, it has cooled my relationship with those sistahs. Or maybe I had done something that changed our relationship without my knowing it before the trip? If so, why didn't anyone say anything?

So, tell me, how would U feel?

Pull Back Action's necessary!

**First, Let me wish my Muslim & Hebrew readers a Happy Holiday season (Ramadan & Rosh Hashanah/YomKippur, respectively).
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When you were a child did you ever have the joy of playing with toy cars with pull back action? Do you ever have the opportunity now, as an adult, to join kids who still find joy in those cars? If you did, then return with me to those 'thrilling days of yesteryear'. If you didn't, then come go with me and live vicariously;-).

As a young girl, I was proud of the fact that I could make the best engine roaring sound in the back of my throat as my male cousins and I pretended to shift gears in our respective race cars. I am still proud that I can make that sound...though, now my "engine" purrs softly more often than she roars (but ... I digress;-). We competed over cars that we saw as we drove, uh, I mean rode with the rest of our family. "That's my car!" was the scream we'd release whenever we saw a sports car or a muscle car. We were serious! My heart would actually ache if my cousins claimed a sunshine yellow 'Vette, a fierce purple GTO, or a hot red Spider before I saw it! I had as many toy cars as I had dolls. Race tracks were cool, too. My eldest sister had a wicked, realistic 007 race track that I was too young to operate. But, I spent many gleeful hours salivating as I watched the cars fly through tunnels, past miniature trees and twisting around sharp mountain curves! Yet, with all of that...my favorites were the cars with the pull back action.

Cars with pull back action needed no batteries and were free to go as far as you could wind them up. Of course, the more you pulled it back the faster and farther the car could go! But, the pull back action required a special touch. You had to be careful not to pull it back too far or the mechanism would break and the car would get stuck.

This year in my life has taken me back to those days of pulling back. I've been blessed to have the opportunity to step off the fast track and really listen to myself. There were times when I thought I was stuck. I didn't understand it. But, The Creator reminded me that I never focused with worry on the pull back as a child car fanatic. I simply delighted in the fast forward result. Instead of fretting when a car broke, I became better at listening to my cars so that I wouldn't damage the replacements. He assures me that all my mechanisms still work and I am merely down shifting as I gear up. I can't wait to screech into the new curves, roll out then zoom around life's mountains. I'm not sure how fast or how far I'll go, yet - but I am SO READY to ROAARRR Forward! What a thrilling ride this life is! It's great to remember what made us smile as children;-).

Hey, I hope u can keep up! Haaa Haaaaa! I'll try to take periodic pit stops and update ya here on Blog Boulevard;-).

Vrrrroooom! Vrrrrooooooom! Sccccrrrreeeeeeeech!

And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. ~ Matthew 18:3, KJV

*click images for source & to find out where you can get the toy cars when u click top photo!

Stronger & better than ever - six years later

I mark my anniversary of living in NYC with today; the monumental day on which the most tragic event occurred in my lifetime. I moved here a month prior to the unfortunate loss (almost to the day). My heart and prayers go out to all of us - because we have all been affected in some way.

"Then I will command my blessing upon you in the sixth year and it shall bring forth fruit..." Liviticus 25:21 KJV


*click on image for source.

Conundrum - thanx 2 SistahKnewDay:-)

After reading the responses to Sistah KnewDay's question about needing "me" time in relationships, I was especially struck by GC's comment that she doesn't get why people need time alone.

This was buzzing around in my head along with my post from yesterday and I realize that I am a conundrum (one of my favorite words:-). I LOVE being around people and even being the center of attention. When I did an image search for crowds this chosen one reminded me of my high school and college days. I would've scanned and posted one - but that would've taken too long;-). I was a social butterfly in every sense of the word.

Now, I also ADORE time alone without the demands of others. I love not having to explain myself or answer to anyone else's needs or wants. My family and best friends know this about me and love me in spite of my need to go underground from time to time. I know that I will have a mate who 'gets' that I'm multi-faceted: loner, affectionate, social butter-fly, etc. In many ways I'm like a cat: I love being loved and in your company when I want to be then when I've had enough, I'll flick my tail and take it elsewhere. ;-).

So, my question: What makes U a conundrum? I think we all are to some degree;-)
*click on image for source.

Leading character & What? an experiment....

After returning to the internet world and reading Brother Rich's post on Clarity, I did a li'l experiment Sunday evening.

First, you see the photo of award winning actors & actresses. If it were up to me Forest Whitaker would not be award winning because he frightens me. I don't know if it's just his lazy eye or those crazy roles he plays, but it's a good thing his income does not depend on me and my opinion. Good thing for Forest that I am not the one to rate his life's work and it's in God's hands:-). Secondly, according to Rich's post we all play one of several roles: lead, support or just part of the crowd.

Well, I want to take that concept a step or so further. I've been in the country for a week, looking at flowers, grass, corn and other crops. In my mind, I am the leading lady in my life. But, I'm wondering - if we are all God's Flowers - what if you're simply meant to be a wild flower that may or may not even be noticed. Would we as humans be able to handle the fact that our role may simply be to just fill the fields? What if you knew that you were not destined for greatness...would you still strive for it? What if you were not destined to be chosen, plucked and put into the vase for closer inspection and enjoyment "in the house"? Would you continue to blossom as brightly as possible?

Back to my li'l experiment: a Brother pulled up in a truck next to my li'l ride. I knew IMMEDIATELY that we had NOT ONE THING in common! You know when YOU just KNOW? But he was SO insistent that we at least have a drink together. Initially, I was adamant that I go on my merry way. But, I'm telling you, the Brother was persistent and literally blocked my path until I agreed to join him for a drink. According to him, if I "loosened up" a bit, I would enjoy his company. I don't mean to seem snobbish or whatever, but I knew that he was simply attracted to my "shell" and I told him so. So, my experiment was to go along to see if maybe I'd feel differently after spending time together. While we talked over drinks he admitted that his initial thoughts when looking at me were carnal (no, that is not the word he used). I continued to ask him, what makes you so sure that we will enjoy each other? According to our conversation, we have nothing in common: I hate sports; he loves them. He's a self admitted TV addict. I barely watch tv (& don't have cable:-). I had to ask him to take his hat off inside (he's a grown man & that's a new concept? I felt like I was filming Daddy's Little Girls part 2 & he was NOT Idris!). According to this man, if given the chance he and I would be good for each other...I didn't think so...No, I knew we wouldn't be any kind of good match. Every time I asked him why he thought we'd be a good match his only answer was the fact that he found me attractive. ARRRGHHHH! We exchanged numbers at 4:15pm, spent a few hours together at a bar, walked through a street fair in Harlem and by 7:30pm I was walking back to my car alone (he didn't offer to walk me to my car). I called to thank him for the drinks, but said I would save us both the time and trouble by not calling him anymore. I don't mean to seem ungrateful for the Brother's accolades and compliments. I am VERY thankful that Brothers still even FIND me attractive - but can I be MORE than eye-candy, please? Or is that God's role for me? Maybe I'm destined to simply provide visual pleasure to men of the world...

So, my question again - what if you knew that the person you felt fit your ideal was NOT who you would end up with - would you continue to put the effort into living your best life? What if you think you want a "dime" - but you're destined for a nickel...can you give that person your best? Or will you treat them like: Danggg, it's just you? Well, let's make the best of this..."??



*click on image for source.

Blame & Praise the Moon:-)

I hope you can really appreciate the photo I took from my bedroom of the most recent full moon. It was absolutely gorgeous and the clouds were flirting around it marvelously. Then my "troubles" began...

And a very dear friend gave me a call after reading my past few blogs and said, "Look here! This is UNBECOMING of U, get it together!" Okay, he really didn't use those words, but he did gently let me know that "self-pity" was not attractive 'on me'. I am thankful that I have friends like that.

Then another friend and I joked that what I really need is a Brother who can "read" me and "cure" what really ails me when stress starts to get to me;-). Hee hee! Seriously, I don't think I want very much from one man, but my friend assures me that a very special man is being prepared for me by God - because only a unique man will be able to fully appreciate all of me; as well as be appreciated by me. Wow - and here I thought I was just a simple teacher who is now pushing myself to be a writer.

So, for fun I thought I'd put it out there! Below, I will give you an idea of the man that God is preparing for me. If you know where he is and he's having trouble finding his way through these tricky NY streets - help a Brother find his way home to these open arms;-).

CAP's Matching Set (we all have baggage, we just need to be paired with a matching set;-):
*Believes in a Higher Power
*Acknowledges our ancestors & understands all that was endured for what we enjoy today
*Cooperative - not competitive - with me
*5'9" or taller...i like to wear heels sometimes
*Loves to READ a variety of materials
*Enjoys real conversation
*Enjoys silence sometimes, too
*Likes to travel
*Loves to laugh out loud
*Is artistic & creative
*Comfortable with himself
*Comfortable with the many faces of me;-)
*Health is important to him - mental, physical AND emotional
*Freedom is important to him - therefore, his income is legally obtained
*added bonus if he speaks several languages;-)
*Chocolate, caramel or mocha latte skin tone (bonus if he tastes like that, too;-)
*Looks like any of the following (individually or a nice blend;-): Bernie Casey, Idris, Calvin Lockhart, Luda, Lennie James, Maxwell, Chris Brown, Common, Barack Obama, Savion Glover, The Brother who played "Bill" on the Lowe's commercial;-), John Coltrane, my exes (they were all cuties - just not my matching sets;-), Lenny Kravitz, Farrakhan, Langston Hughes, Will Smith, Denzel, Michael Jai White, LL Cool J, Capone (comedian), Mos Def, and you know there are really too many beautiful Black men for me to list here...but that was just to give you an idea of what MY eyes find Delightful;-)...

That's not too much to pray for IS it? As I'm told: With God ALL things are possible. So, I've put it into the Universe AND the Blog-o-sphere. I'll continue to hold on and trust that God is prepping this Brother/Soul Mate/Matching Set for me. And ya know I'll keep ya posted when he gets home safely;-).

Thanks again for ALL the support and love that U offer here in Blog-Land. Maaannnn, I'm glad to be back to the ME I like to BE - upbeat and balanced:-). Have a great weekend!

Flying Solo

I'm often told that I am blessed to be free & single. I should take advantage of my ability to 'move about the world freely'. I really DO feel blessed to be able to do all that I can and to have experienced all that I have. I've grown quite comfortable being alone and take many things I do for granted until I meet others who tell me they'd "never" do that.

I am comfortable doing the following things alone:
* Going to restaurants - a good book is my best friend:-).
* Having a picnic in Central Park.
* Going running in most populated parks where there are other runners
* Traveling as a member of a larger group even if I don't know the individuals in the group.
* Driving long distances.
* Flying to another city or island to meet friends, take a taxi or rent a car and find my way to our designated meeting location.
* Going to poetry readings - artsy people are often solitary, anyway:-).
* Going to bars - (I just pretend my friends stood me up and leave after about an hour:-)
* Going to movies - especially independent films

Places I'm not yet comfortable "flying solo":
* Sporting events
* Going skating in Central Park, Rock Creek Park, or any park - who will be there to help if I bust my tail (or is that my fear-cover upper:-)?
* Going to concerts
* Traveling to a new country

*click on image for its source.

Regeneration: Rising from My Ashes

I stated on July 10th that I will be focussed on My Regeneration. The Creator awoke me again this morning which is a signal that He's not through with me, yet!

Many things on my list may sound simple, but it's simplicity which challenges me greatly:

5 Specific Tasks to Complete in order to reach divine Health & Wealth for this coming week:
1. Sort & Organize my papers (3 bags done this week, approximately 3 more to go).
2. Write out each debt (then maintain regular bill paying routine twice monthly).
3. Get up by 7am each morning and sit quietly - give Thanx for another opportunity to Get it Write.
4. Practice my Ten for Ten exercise routine each day.
5. Write a daily To Do list and adhere to it!

Reading through my Runner's Blog I found renewed motivation about Will Smith & Ali and hope it motivates U, too!

I do appreciate any and all support that U care to offer. Next Saturday, I look forward to posting my successful adherence to my ACTIVE self-regeneration!

Wednesday Wisdoms & Wonders

Welcome Back for Wednesday Wisdom vol. 9
I'm in need of real, every day wisdoms, wonders and good news! To that end...

First, give us your take on the wisdom U dig in the selection:

"We Must Embrace the absurd and go beyond everything we have ever known."
~ Janie Gustafson

Then share with us a recent blessing that you have experienced!

Inspired 2 return to Older Post

Inspired by Sistah Sheletha's posts to help us get to know her better. I'll take U back so U can learn a bit more about Me. Click here: Who IS CapCity?
Enjoy & feel free to tell me a bit about YOURself in the comment area:-).
May you all have a Blessed Good Friday today!

I Wish I Knew...and Glad I Better Understand:-)

You all know that I am thankful to my ancestors and parents for bringing me this far. I know therapists say we have to make peace with our pasts before we can move forward. One therapist told me that I had to acknowledge the role that my parents played in my development. Initially, I thought she meant I needed to lay blame on my fore parents for the pain or suffering that they had caused and I grew angry and frustrated with her. I don't believe that blaming the past will rectify my future. Clearly, there are many things my parents and ancestors could not know that I would need for survival. Heck, they were busy trying to figure this shit out for themselves "on the fly".

Now, I understand that the therapist simply meant I need to acknowledge the role that my parents played in my development, nothing more and nothing less - just acknowledge it. Today, as I worked on a tale for publication, the blatant acknowledgement took form without my initiating it. As I settled in to work on the piece I reflected on my life, as I often do. Like a good book, each time I reflect on my own story, I learn and notice something that I never noticed before. Sunday past, the guest speaker at church stated that God can restore ALL that has been stolen from us (time, objects, etc.). That message resonated as I reflected on self.

During my self reflection, I acknowledged the facts that my parents could not fully help me understand the dance between men and women, because they didn't fully understand it themselves. My parents couldn't help me understand business concepts, because they didn't understand them, really. I came of age in the eighties, when it was all about the partying and the "Benjamins", baby! I didn't fully understand what it meant to really value ones' self worth. I only knew that if you took care of yourself financially and you protected yourself when interacting with others (be it by use of prophylactics or just common sense) - that all would be well in your world. Living by those simple standards I am blessed and all is cool in my world.

I want more than cool. The Creator, my parents and fore parents deserve more than cool from me. Now, I'm ready to Set it Off!! (to borrow from one of my favorite "coming of age" house tunes;-). So, I list below a few things I wish I knew that would make it easier for me to set it off (and I pray The Creator will restore as the pastor promised:-):

I wish I knew (& glad I understand better:-):

• When my Daddy told me that women have the power to direct relationships, that he had clarified it was a quiet, subtle power; so that I wouldn't have "beat up" so many Brothers, because I "let a jokah know! I was not to be taken advantage of!"
  
• That when Ma told me she didn't like being married, it was because she had been a beautiful young woman, who had been frightened and didn't understand that marriage did not have to equal bondage.
• That entrepreneurship does not mean homelessness:-).
  
• That following ones' passion means finding God's Flow for you. We are given many gifts; it takes "listening" to that quiet, constant voice to help you determine which gift to use for The Creator's glory and abundance.

Again, I'm So Thankful that each new day is another chance to get it Write;-).


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