When Self-Pity Comes Knockin'...

Sometimes during the HollerDay Season that loathsome Self-Pity likes to come knocking thangs like my confidence around. Self-pity is the best scam artist in the world. It takes advantage of the shortened days and lonnngg cold nights. It denies truths about you and plays on your doubts and fears. For example: I know that it takes great strength and resilience to move to a new city to build a completely new life and support system. But self-pity denies that and tells me that millions of others have moved from another country entirely, started successful businesses and even have the energy and discipline to work-out regularly!

Then I look at some of the famous sistahs who are admired by many and remind myself that even with their support teams and make up artists they struggle just like I do: their weight goes up and down, they have trouble with their romantic relationships and they have to continue to fight to stay on top of their careers - sometimes the media has the nerve to say they're washed up. Shoooot! At least I don't have paparazzi and the media blasting my fears, doubts and failures for all to see. You only get to know what I choose to post on my blogs;-). I only have Self-Pity to duck & dodge! So, when Self-Pity comes huffin' & puffin' at my door I look at these sistahs and remind myself to GET UP & continue to DO MY THANG! I'm doing JUST FINE & I'm in GOOD Company!



click images for sources.

Pretty. Purrfect. Peace.

I. am. at. peace. in my prettiness.

Peace of mind takes piece of time.

I have arrived in this purrfect place...

Thanx 2 The Creator.

I'll meet U here.

Take a load off in this comfy chair.

Kick off your shoes.

Let me run your bath water while we

Sip spirits & explore depths of each other's psyche.

Look at me. Enjoy the view.

Look into me and enjoy that, too.

I love your heavy voice and the light-hearted words flowing from your intellectual muscle.

You are comfortable with me being pretty. purrfect. flawed. at peace.

I am comfortable with me being pretty. purrfectly flawed. at peace.

You are at ease with U: purrfect at presenting your purpose to purchase your help meet.

I am at ease with U: purrfectly honored at your efforts to acquire such a help meet as Me.

Let us move on from our former selves as we disrobe and pursue anew.

Let us knead and heal each other as we slip into new waters bubbling with anticipation.

Let us wash away the grime of past crimes caused by immature ignorance ingrained by society.

Look at me glowing. refreshed. pretty purrrfectly for U. at peace.

Look at U flowing luvingly with & into purrfect for U me. at peace.


~ C.A. Paige©June2008

***MUST NOTE that I AM TOO EXCITED for The Obama Family - now tha's all the politics I'm going to mention today;-)****

Grown Freakin' Friday: ADULT subject matter for those over 18

I love shoes as much as the next shoe-holic and put an extra dip in my hip when wearing my flyest kix. Now, Brother 12kyle often references the shoe models of the ATL. Then Brother Rich explained to me the real impact of the ATL shoe models: many are indeed intelligent women using the shoe model industry to pay their way through college and establish a comfortable life whom men flocked to, influencing some men to leave their wives.

I'm not hating on sistahs who do what they feel is necessary to pay their way. I do wonder just how jaded one's going to become after spending time in such a career. I used to simply bartend and became disenchanted by some of what I witnessed in clubs, especially after hours. I can only imagine how tainted I would be after years as a shoe model. I don't ever think I'd develop a healthy relationship with any trust of men. I remember watching that cable show about the family who owned the porn business. The unmarried son had the hardest time finding women who could deal with him. He didn't want a stripper or performer, but when he met women who were not in the sex industry many became turned off by his business.

What say U? How would a career in the sex industry affect your relationships? If you've ever had such a career - how does it affect your intimate relationships?

Now, gone & strut your stuff on this long sexy weekend!

*click image for source.

Stepping Toward Greatness ACTUALLY

I'm cross blogging myself while I'm putting this out here: I attempt ONCE AGAIN to Step in the Name of Love for SELF by Running toward a FIT ME;-). Click here to read more: It's not a resolution: It's a GOAL as I'm Determined 2 do GREAT WORKS for The Creator - because I'm SO thankful for this Beautiful Loaner Earth Wear;-).

What R U working on to reach YOUR GREATness?


*click image for source.

2008 Will Be Great: As I Continue to Spread My Wings

There are a mere eleven days left in 2007. This past year has been wonderfully full of learning and seed planting for me. Often times, harvesting the best life-crops is rough: lots of rock-hard thought patterns and debris to be worked around, over and out as I prepare the ground work.

I've come out of my writer's shell and been blessed to join a new book project. I've spent time with some incredible authors (both established and budding) who encourage and inspire me to keep-a comin' on as Brother Sterling Brown did. Proudly, there is substance building in my first novel, featuring Reyna - who you'll meet in the new book project. God willing that first novel will be birthed/published by Fall 2008. I have developed an educational work book and workshop for parents who need assistance in selecting schools then helping their children through school once enrolled. That website will be launched in early 2008. Slowly, I am learning prosperity principles and that networking is a noble skill. I have made some incredible contacts with others who are life-long entrepreneurs who welcome me to their "fold" as long as they see that I'm about my hustle, too. I have read many truly inspirational books (including the one pictured above: The Bond) which have helped me understand myself better, as well as, my place in the world. I feel my relationships are getting richer as a result.

All of this growth and development was going on as I entered into my second year of partial employment. This partial employment experience has taught me that I really will be alright despite the chaos thrown at me by the world. This year of partial employment snatched the controlling reins from my grip as I was forced to accept the blessings offered and to trust as folx (too many to list here, for now:-) have stepped in to support me in a myriad of ways (thanx to them I haven't lost an ounce;-). This year's self reflection has revealed that I need to return to the independent school world to continue to grow where I was rooted.

May ALL of us take flight in what I trust will be a GREAT 2008 filled with Love, Life and Dancing in the Prosperity of Our Blessings!

Click images for sources.

Feel Joy! My kinda "Bling"

Went to Sistah JMW's & got all fired up about my Golden Freedom. So, I'm sharing it here! Today calls for a Double Scoop of the Best Friend I never met;-).




Those who "know" me, know my fave part of the Golden video: kids driving! I.Love. IT!!!!

Help Me, again:-)

I'm going really public with this fitness thing & even joined members of my church in efforts to get fit. Check it out: CAP's Challenge!

THANX!

*click image for source

Dormant & solo now, but Look OUT!

I was talking to my best friend/Dad about how being alone is often like voluntary solitary confinement. Then it dawned on me that the minority who benefit from this crazy society wants that "solitary confinement" reaction to alone-ness. Solitary confinement's isolation is used in prisons to break the spirits of inmates.

Go with me for a moment. Singleness is viewed as some type of problem. Really pay attention to how the media and society treats being alone. It's more expensive to travel alone, there are no tax breaks for singles, all sitcoms make eating out alone look "ridiculous", you get the picture. My favorite is the boldness of the question: "Why are you single?" I often look at the people who ask (and too many couples that I know) and I want to reply, "Why aren't YOU?"

There is a minority who are the controlling class who benefit from this fear of being alone. Divorce court: need I say more? Okay, that wasn't enough? How about: stalking, cheating, pimping, whoring, substance & food abuse? How do those "ailments" benefit the controlling minority? Do you realize how much money is generated because of that list? Can you imagine how many attorneys, law enforcement agencies and doctors benefit from those conditions? In addition to the money, while the masses are spending so much time trying not to be alone they are not spending that time improving themselves, so the controlling minority is "safe" from losing their status. I know that was somewhat generalized for the sake of keeping it condensed, but a majority of our social issues are emotionally based; ask any psychologist:-).

If you really look at it, there's POWER in being alone. Leaders are alone. Sure, they have assistants and supporters, but ultimately there is one at the top. One of my favorite print ads showed a guy with his feet up on his large desk, overlooking a breath-taking view with the caption: "Aaaaah, it's lonely at the top." I don't recall what was being 'sold', but I love the advertisement.

I am comfortable being alone as I continue to trust that The Creator is working on my perfect for me matching set of luggage Soul-mate. But, God's got His hands full. So, just in case He can't fill my "order" anytime soon I'm more determined than ever to live the best life possible. I am not in solitary confinement in my aloneness. My spirit may have staggered, but it will never be broken. I am in solitude and in training for the best life that The Creator has in store for me. I may be in a dormant, singular period now, but like a solo bear coming out of the cave after a long, deep hibernation, I plan to come out of my solitary existence stronger than ever and raring to go! Lean and keen, baby!!! Watch out dere now!


*click image for source - a brave blogger took that beautiful photo!

Hugz 4 me!

This post was weirdly inspired by Sistah JMW's post on compulsions. I've learned that I am the polar opposite of my girl, JMW:-). JMW's home is probably spot-less, neat and orderly. I, on the other hand have learned to celebrate when I complete ANY thing that is on my To-Do list, especially if it involves chores or any other undesirable task.

I used to think that I should strive to be more like those "go getters" around me who 'got things done'! They keep lists, they check them twice and they are productive members of our society. I applaud those people. I used to want to BE one of those people. Every time I promised myself that "by golly" I also had what it takes to BE one of those productive members of society - I would write extensive lists and journal entries promising to get on "the good foot" and pull myself "up by my own boot straps". Half way through my 'go getter' week I was worn OUT! I just couldn't keep UP with me!

Then I went to a reading where my s-hero, Nikki Giovanni was speaking. When the words came out of her mouth that she wants to get applause every time she cleans a corner, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. She is truly a kindred spirit. Nikki Giovanni said that she calls up her family members for them to come and celebrate if she sweeps or mops a mere corner of her kitchen! That's MY kind of Girl!

So, I'm sending out Big Hugz to MEEEEEE for:
*Sorting through most of my papers (down from 6 bags to approximately 1 bag) that I started earlier this month.
*Keeping my home neat & clean since my mom came to help me get it together five weeks ago (including the nitty gritty stuff that I strongly dislike dealing with like kitchen & bathroom corners).

I've come to the conclusion that I am NOT Lazy ... I am an ARTIST who needs mulling and piddling time to allow my ideas to marinate and come into being. I need time to read and process what I've read. I need time to day dream and ponder so that I can get my ideas out in the fashion that they want to come forth.

And Hugz to all U artists who read & support my blog - even if it means putting off some "meaningful" task;-)!

*click on the image for its source.

Emotional Pimpin'

This was inspired by a discussion on Miz's Spot!

SOME times, women think differently than men expect for us to think (surprised, i know:-). And SOME times, we even FEEL differently than men anticipate. Yea, I know this information BLOWS you all away. But here is where it gets GOOD:

NEVER, EVER should a man make the mistake of ASSuming that just because we ADORE his company and talk to him all hours into the night, or because we laugh at ALL of his jokes, or - heaven HELP us: praise him for how he PUT it DOWN "last night" - that we have fallen head ovah heels to the point of NO return IN LOVE. As a Woman with some experience under my belt I have learned that I can CHOOSE to Fall in LOVE. I can allow myself to enjoy the flow - but when I catch on that "the flow" is being tampered with - I've GOT to GO! Despite what may seem like a contradiction - I continue to believe in Soul Mates, but I also think there are charlatans posing as my Soul Mate. So, while I'm keeping my heart "open" to my Soul Mate, I'm keeping my eyes, ears and good sense "open" to f%$kery and emotional pimpin'.

Here's a condensed version of some Pimp-Juice that a Man-Child of God tried to serve me several months back (I have a li'l distance, so I can write about it nicely now;-):
We met at a business seminar - so, we had a common goal, which was to improve our business savvy. A couple of months after meeting at the seminar we saw each other at a networking event and struck up a conversation. The vibe was GrrrreAT! Well, we kicked the willy-bobo, exchanged numbers and in my head there was a "connection". We'd talk for HOURS on the phone and he said he wanted my voice to be the first and last he heard in the day. So, I'm "zooming" cuz Brother Man is feeding me all that my soul needs to hear.

BUT, I'm experienced enough to know that all that glitters is not gold, no matter how much I allow myself to relish in its shine. So, I wait until we actually spend more time together before I ask the "hard" questions. Experience has taught me to ask the real hard questions in person - so, I can look you straight in the eye. When I asked about his living situation, he revealed that he was living with his baby's mama. I asked, "So, what is my purpose in your life?" He stammered a bit and attempted a futile Jedi Mind Trick, "What, with you it's all or nothing?"
As my elders have said, "I didn't get this old without learning a thing or two along the way."
I looked him square in the eye and asked, "How would YOU have it? What exactly are we having anyway, the all or the nothing?"
"I thought we were developing a friendship."
"Okay, but we are not teens. We know our intentions when we start ANY relationship. So, what are your intentions? What is the purpose of you holding my hand as we stroll, what is the purpose of you calling me first thing each morning and last thing each evening, if you are living with a woman and have no intention of developing any intimacy with me?"
"So, I guess that needs to end, huh?"
In my head, I'm like - Ya THINK, Clown? But my closer walk with God kicked in: "That would be best. I don't hold hands or talk first thing in the morning with buddies or males who I'm "just friends" with."

Yea, my "li'l feelings" were bruised because I had hoped that our "connection" was mutual and on a deeper level than apparently it was for him. Then I became quite angered by the fact that he'd wasted my Blessedly Limited Time and he KNEW from jump-street that he had no intentions of developing anything of true substance. He was riding along, pimping the "groove" that I was feeling, betting that there would be some type of "reward" for him - even if only a reprieve from his usual routine. So, his short-sightedness cost him a friendship AND possible business advocate.

Brothers, PuhLeeze end the emotional pimping, or at least - be aware of who you use it on. We are not ALL so easily pimped. But, if you don't stop, that's cool too - because I'm a firm believer that God does NOT like ugly and what goes around comes back around.
Ain't cha heard? Pimpin' Ain't Easy! Take Heed:
*Warning: song contains some language that may be offensive

Yes, all of this could apply to Female Emotional Pimps, too. But I don't get intimately involved with females, so those who have been pimped by women, feel free to share your comments.
*click on photo for its source

Regeneration: Rising from My Ashes

I stated on July 10th that I will be focussed on My Regeneration. The Creator awoke me again this morning which is a signal that He's not through with me, yet!

Many things on my list may sound simple, but it's simplicity which challenges me greatly:

5 Specific Tasks to Complete in order to reach divine Health & Wealth for this coming week:
1. Sort & Organize my papers (3 bags done this week, approximately 3 more to go).
2. Write out each debt (then maintain regular bill paying routine twice monthly).
3. Get up by 7am each morning and sit quietly - give Thanx for another opportunity to Get it Write.
4. Practice my Ten for Ten exercise routine each day.
5. Write a daily To Do list and adhere to it!

Reading through my Runner's Blog I found renewed motivation about Will Smith & Ali and hope it motivates U, too!

I do appreciate any and all support that U care to offer. Next Saturday, I look forward to posting my successful adherence to my ACTIVE self-regeneration!

Regeneration & Accountability - Intro.

I am Stepping out on Faith of a New Level!

Soon, I am going to list some of my major Goals and periodic updates. Any readers who care to - feel free to keep me honest and encourage me to work towards them or offer tips:-).

1) Health - return to my Physical Side for specifics as I take better care of God's Rent-a-Temple;-)

1a) Eat to Live! Ingest primarily life sustaining foods & cut down on all toxins = according to Oprah the white foods (processed sugars, breads, rice, etc.). Time to retrain my thinking and change my habits! Good times can be had with naturally healthy options: Fruits, Veggies, Sparkling waters & ciders. I'll have to see if Sistah Anali has any wonderfully healthy desserts for me;-)

1b) Keep it Movin'! I love to Dance! I need to make it my business to do so more often - whether it's turning up the tunes at home, or going out to "cut a rug"! I also enjoyed learning about me as I took up running - will return to that, too! And I've started a Ten for Ten list = I want to be a "perfect 10" so I've listed ten exercises for working all body areas. I'll start out with one rep of all ten, working up to ten reps of ten each. Pray for me;-).

2) Wealth

2a) Retrain My Words & Self-Talk. Brother Andrew Morrison is my unofficial mentor who has reminded me that our God is an awesome God of Abundance. Just look at the fact that one tiny apple seed has the potential to bear an orchard!

2b) Do What I Love and the Abundance will flow! I love to play with words: poems, prose and even talking. I need to continue to write, read, network and navigate this writing field. I love to share what I know through teaching as well as learning from those whom I teach. I need to return to that arena as well as seek out other avenues with a flexible schedule and salary.

*click on image for its source.

Hips:-)

"Met" An Xcentric Pryncess over at Brother T. Stephens' blog-spot today.
I thanked her for turning me onto this WONDERFUL Lucille Clifton Poem, which I just HAD to share here:

Homage to My Hips

these hips are big hips.
they need space to move around in.
they don't fit into little petty places.
these hips are free hips.
they don't like to be held back.
these hips have never been enslaved,
they go where they want to go they do what they want to do.
these hips are mighty hips.
these hips are magic hips.
i have known them to put a spell on a man and spin him like a top

---Lucille Clifton

Check out Ms. Clifton reading this by clicking HEAR:-)

Human waste facilities

When does the flush cycle end? How long do adults allow other adults to use them as a place to "squat"? How long will women cry to each other that "He done me wrong!" I'm not sure who men cry to, but I know there are also men who allow themselves to be used.
I understand the innocence of blossoming young adults who think the world is "all about them". Then they experience a couple of rude awakenings & slaps in the face of "love". Now, in my experience there are two choices when you've had painful experiences in the name of love:

1) Continue to walk in the path of "ignorance" - do the same things, spend time with the same types of people who hurt you along the way, continue to cry to your "closest" friends that you don't understand why these painful episodes keep happening.

2) Get a GRIP! Take a closer look at yourself, your habits, your relationship with a higher power (what ever your faith) and DECIDE what part you are willing to play in this whirl-d of relationships. GO into relationships with both eyes and heart open! Be slow to bruise & quick to heal! Know that we as individuals have a great deal of control over who we let into our worlds, and how long we allow them to stay there once we have learned WHO they REALLY are. Stop kidding ourselves - people are NOT that difficult to read - if you're really paying attention.

Be sure that u want to hear my answer if you come to me for advice. I don't hold hands & tell u what u want to hear. Once I realize that's all u want, u'll get my answering service on the regular. Time above ground is a precious commodity. I don't have time for pity parties. Trust me - I have this same talk with myself, regularly!

Which selection will U make? 1) Continue in Ignorance or 2)Practice self analysis & improve your relationships overall, starting with the relationship with your Creator?

To those who have hurt me in the past - I Thank you & release you from any ill feelings I may continue to harbor unwittingly. You have taught me: Living WELL is the best revenge! Without your kix in the a$$ I would not be the alert, confident woman that I am today!

To those who I have hurt along the way - Please accept this public apology. Blame it on the arrogance & ignorance of youth. Without your love and support I would not be the loving, confident woman that I am today!

NOTE: A fellow Blogger, Lisa Q. is offering an AMAZING e-class for those who need HELP with relationships and can't bear my brusque manner:-). When you get to her site you'll see on the top left column the offer on How to Attract the Relationship You Want. You can email her for details before you sign up, too!

*click on the photo for its source.

Passion Fire

The Creator's pilot light flames eternally deep within me.

Mis-matches have struck against me.
Some have caused sparks or brief sputtering eruptions.
Some even burst into roaring bonfires.
Few have brushed down my mountains for years on end.

My soul has third degree burns from the third degree
I get when society asks me
Repeatedly ...
"How's your love life?"

Water evaporates when it hits these flames.
Thus, the rivers of tears cannot stop the burning.
And lately ... I cannot cry for long.

Yet, peace be still ...
The Flame simmers eternally within me and
Expectation licks at these lips in anticipation of the Passion to come.

C.A. Paige©May 2007
Click here for photo credit.

Wednesday Wisdoms

Welcome Back for Wednesday Wisdoms vol. 4

Look closely, now and see what U dig about:

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely”

- Carl G. Jung

I'm COMING OUT!

At peace with the physical me:-)

This photo was taken after feastin', jokin' & talkin' smack with family on Thanksgiving 2004...so it's been a minute and thangs have changed, Thank Gawd. But this image is all I have to represent how I'm feeling!! I just got in from the gym and I'm feeling like HOT Dayum!! So, I need to share that I'm coming OUT!! Can you hear my girl, Diana singing in the background?;-)

Reflecting on the physical ME for a minute and how funny life is (or is it just how funny I am?). I vividly recall the shock and trauma that I experienced as I grew into this womanly figure. Okay, so I'm being dramatic...I wasn't traumatized, but I was caught off guard. Just as my body began to sprout outwards in all kinds of fascinating places, the medical field started promoting breast care and cancer awareness. There was a deluge of promotions on checking for lumps. Skinny, junior high me didn't want to "detect" a lump too late so, I checked almost daily. I have three elder sisters and not one of those chicks warned me that breasts start out as lumps! I laugh now, but I seriously thought that I had cancer because one side had a lump that the other side didn't have. I also had not been warned that the dynamic duo does not appear at the same time. I am a bookworm and had read all of the physical development books, but nary a book I read ever prepared me for the fact that hard little lumps would grow into these semi-voluptuous twins I have now;-).

Then there's "the backyahd". First, lemme tell you, I was a skinny sistah up through junior high. I was a straight, angular tom-boy who liked to play all the rough and tumble games, climb trees, pick up worms to prove my bravery and throw them onto the screaming "girly girls". So, when I started to get attention for that back there, I really didn't even know what was back there since I couldn't see it. And I certainly didn't understand what all the attention was for.

Being the youngest of four girls is a funny thing. I look up to my sisters. I really looked up to them as they grew into womanhood. But, I didn't realize the same growth would happen to me. Watching my sisters was like watching movie stars; they had something that would never be part of my life, it couldn't, I reasoned. It seemed to be invisible to me. Besides, it never dawned on me how similar we each were physically. Yes, people have commented on how much we look alike, but I only focused on our facial similarities. I never thought about our similarities below the neck. For a sistah who read most of the time, I was humorously quite ignorant!

All through my teens, twenties and such, I still never really focused on my physical self. My Body was simply the vehicle to carry my eyes and brain around as I watched all that was going on. Sure, I certainly enjoyed my share of physical activity both intimate and athletic, but I never have ever truly focused on ME, physically. Don't ask me why, but suddenly, this shell I live in and its physicality is fascinating to ME! I'm enjoying myself and my time as if I've discovered the fountain of youth and a new toy! And Boy oh Boy, what a JOY!! So, hit it Diana - I'm coming OUT! I want the world to know, I have to let is show!

You know I couldn't resist uTube. I tried to embed - but Blogger or uTube is trippin' so, if u feel the desire to enjoy some vintage Diana in Central Park click: Boss Lady! It's a great concert, really.