A lovely Day for a DRIVE!

This was originally posted on 3/31/07, but I felt the need to Resurrect & RePost it (in case U missed it THREE years ago:-)

I. love. to. DRIVE! I feel more alive when I drive. I watch other drivers as I drive and wonder why they don't seem to share my joy! I prefer driving manual shift, because it's so much fun and sporty! I prefer driving in cities proper or along country roads, preferably with curves and wonderful scenery of rolling hills, barnyard animals and such.

My daddy was a taxi driver who continues to do so at his leisure these days. Sounds like a fun way for him to keep a li'l income coming in without the urgency that dominated when we, his children, were young "birds with our mouths open" for whatever he brought back to the "nest". I always marveled at the fact that he drove all day; then would come home and take us all for a drive to our utter delight! One of my fondest childhood "road" memories:

A family cook out draws to an end, the fire in the grill is dying down, the music has been turned down to a soft background tune and many of us children who were running around had settled on someones lap or flopped in a nearby chair listening to the adults lowered voices. A topic such as, "What is ol' so & so doing down in Charlottesville?" came up and someone suggested, "Let's go down there and see." Mind you, it was wayyyyy after midnight. But it's the weekend, I guess, so the adults agree to it. I just recall being carried into the house and had my clothes changed as I dozed on and off. I was bundled snugly into the car with everyone else and dozed to the lulling sound of my father whistling softly as he drove us toward Charlottesville, VA. I awoke to the beautiful sunrise over the rolling hills of the Shenandoah and Blue Ridge Mountains. I stood up behind my father and watched the road through the windshield for awhile as we rode. We arrived at the home of aunts and uncles who came out in their robes with disheveled hair and sleepy eyes exclaiming, "Lawd, look who's heah! What 'chall chir'en doing down heah so early?" Cousins were roused, breakfast was made and the party was on ... again!

Yeah, you could say the love for long drives was instilled into me at birth. Our time on most of these drives were filled with discussions, sometimes heated, sometimes philosophical, sometimes moral lessons taught ... no topic seemed off limits. If we weren't talking the car was filled with singing, laughing, and munching on a variety of snacks and even meals that were combinations of store bought and homemade for a mobile picnic.

After my parents divorced, my dad would pick my sisters and me up and our time spent together would entail him driving fairly non-stop; sometimes into the night. That was for weeknight visitation. Then there were weekend visits where we would drive for hours into country sides, most of the time into Virginia, sometimes through Maryland, north to Baltimore. If we were going to stay for an overnight, we might venture as far as New York City.

Cars are wonderful places of respite for me, an oasis of sorts. I go for drives in cities to keep my alertness sharp. I feel the thrill that I imagine others feel when they play video games or some competitive sport that causes their hearts to race and spirits soar.

I have contemplated the various careers of drivers, but none of them appeal to me. I don't want to race endlessly around a track, no matter how many curves are set up. I don't want to be at the beck and call of passengers. I just want to get out there in the streets and maneuver, get around drivers engrossed in their own little worlds: "digging for gold", day dreaming, arguing, putting on makeup, shaving, and of course, on cell phones. I watch with amazement, the preoccupations behind the wheels of the cars around me. I am ever amazed at the miracle that we all actually get safely to our destinations as more and more gadgetry fills the car.

I go for drives in the country when I want my mind to meander and absorb the images of the day. I like sunny drives in the country and even drizzly drives where I'm "snug as a bug" in my ride and watching the scenery around me unfold as I pass through it. My "dream" drive is the legendary beautiful California Highway Rte. 1. I am determined to take a trip to the West coast to take that "mecca" of drives along the Pacific Ocean. But until that day, I will relish in the beauty along the East coast that I love!

RePost: Just Want to Show Love...

to a Man I've Never Met,
but he still made me -- ;-)
... and then Strip For Him
with the following words that Sistah Helesi turned me onto:
*these words make me giddy...

Strip for me - by Lamar Hill

She said she wanted to have sex with strings attached
but only to her arms and wrist
Said she had had her heart broken too many times to ever walk down that road again
she said she only wanted to partake in the physical
said she wanted me to fill her chest with my treasure
then afterwords pretend as if I had never even met her
but there was something about the way her insides taste
after they had marinated over night
that made me wonder what it would take to have this woman wake up next to me for the rest of my life
to abandon my feelings of abandonment
to make every women who came before her a blur
see the fact of the matter is I want to reinvent the wheel with her
I want to find deffirent reasons to fall in love every single minute
that's why I contimplate diffrent positions to keep her interested every time i'm in it
that's why I treat her sweat like holy water
trying to absorb every drop into my skin
so when I'm going through the hardships of my day I can always revert back to her skin
so I told her to Strip for me
told her to take off that thing that makes it impossible for her to commit
and commit to getting rid of it
told her to take off the stigma of failed relationships in the past
told her to slide out of her ex man
told her to take off all the baggage, and just lie in front of me naked
told her sex was cool
but making love is sacred
forget how you stayed up until all hours of the night
wondering if he was even gone bother to come home tonight
forget the bump and bruses
the lies and excuses
the mediocre sex that he didn't even bother to shower for
cause in my eyes you a virgin
pure as the darkest night
and sure you might have given your body away a few times
but you never bothered to open your mind
so in the same way the moon has power over the sea
you have power over me
and I won't be satisfied until you come nine times
why nine?
cause nine is the number of completion
it serves notice to the creator that we have found peace within
but first I need you to strip for me
Take off all the memories of every ill fated one night stand
every failed second chance
all the nights wanting romance
take off all the misery
thinking you had to endure his bullshit
cause ya'll had history
I want you to unbutton the suffering
slide out of the doubt
cause it's all about you
everytime I walk in the room I'm consumed by the power that exudes from your womb
and he was a fool not to pay homage to a goddess
your body is timeless
I want you to strip for me
soul bare
mind open
Focused
believe you deserve love just like the rest
believe your body can be used for more then sex
I want you to strip for me
emotionally
then I want us to start new
I want you to strip for me
cause I've already stripped for you.

Unfortunately, there's no YouTube version of him reading it, but u MUST check his MySpace page just to hear a voice that'll make the ladies wanna melt....
http://www.myspace.com/lamarhill

I originally posted this on Thursday, May 24, 2007.

Had 2 REPOST after I was blessed 2 meet Brother Lamar Anthony Hill at: Taalam Acey Presents_DemystifyNYC, Bowery Poetry Club on Wednesday, May 27, 2009.
Wow! 2 years & 3 days after original posting ...

Blessed Reflections...again

*This was originally posted on Oct 31st, 2006 - Wooow, how time flies! As my solo-flight seems to be drawing to a close I found this post perfect for the season of Thanksgiving & felt the need to share it again, including the two original comments. Besides, many of U may have missed it back when I was blog-green;-). And don't U just love this photo of me? It's one of my faves! LOL! Enjoy!

Reflections are such a blessing. I wish everyone of you, readers the blessings of truly loving and passionate experiences, which you can recall with vivid fondness.

If The Creator never sends another passion filled man into my heart I will die a grateful woman. Many of you will read this and wonder why such a young, vibrant woman as I am would even consider dying without another loving experience. I just want The Creator to know how thankful I am for the experiences I have had since my birth. First, I was blessed to be born to parents who loved me despite their own struggles to love themselves. My father is my best friend and I am eternally grateful for that blessing. My mother is a tough woman who has suffered much loss, resulting in struggles with herself. Nevertheless, I have always known that I was loved. Sometimes, being loved means being envied and hated for the love that others grant easily. Sometimes, being loved means feeling as if the love is undeserved, because I didn't understand what made me so special.

For years, sadly, I foolishly batted away the love that was thrust upon me, simply because I felt I was an unworthy recipient. Well, maybe not totally unworthy, but I felt there were others who deserved love, too (maybe even needed it more than I did, so I thought). I witnessed many others around me who reeally needed love, but didn't get it as easily as I. I send up apologies to those who tried to love me and were rudely, unjustly mistreated because of my ignorance. I did not realize that pushing love away from me would not send it to the people who were love-lacking. I did not realize that I deserved to be loved - just because...I AM one of The Creator's artworks that took time to develop. I deserve to be loved - just because. Regardless of the circumstances, my parents came together in love and I was a result of that rebellious risk and bond. I deserve to be loved - just because ... I AM loving and lovable.

I have experienced a quiet, romantic-love-slow year in which I have been able to reflect, rehash, and even flail about in frustration:-). In this year, I have especially missed the romance, love and tenderness that Black men would bestow upon me. In this year, I have reminisced on the true gifts and love blessings that I have received over the course of my years, many which I did not treat with the deserved reverence. In this romantic-love-slow year, I have fondly recalled the nuances and flirtations that I have been blessed with. Though, I may have been foolish on many levels, I am grateful that I enjoyed many of the courtship & sensational subtleties and flirtations before the onslaught of blatantly overt sexual promotion found in today's media. As I watch the "court-ship" of young people today, I often wonder if there is any chance that they may enjoy some of the delights and innocence as I did. I guess, truth be told, even before the sex-glut of the media, there was often some "fresh" boy who attempted to touch me inappropriately and made me feel as if this female body I was "trapped in" was an object that brought on unwanted attention. But, for the most part I was blessed with respectful overtures.

I can only hope that today's young women do still enjoy the attentions of honorable young men who truly appreciate them and all the glories of their femininity: mind, spirit and body. The memories of simply holding hands with my first love conjure stirrings within me to this day. When we held hands, we did so secretly - we thought. There was such intensity in those feather-light touches that the connection to his one hand set off sparks over my entire being. A mere look from him across a crowd would set my heart racing and render me speechless. The thought that such a handsome, smart, athletic boy found me worthy of so much of his attention was mind boggling and breath-taking.

I have to laugh as I reflect on my past, in frustration. My love life has been made up of the "stuff" of romance novels, and I took too much of it for granted. I have experienced some melodrama, but overall I have simply been the recipient of affection from many whom I had no idea how to reciprocate. I don't agree with women who bemoan the lack of good men, I am quiet during those conversations as I scream inside my head, "This is so unfair to the many who love us, yet we don't accept or understand them!" I have encountered my share of good, decent Brothers and turned them away because I was unable to appreciate them. Now, I'm praying that The Creator does sometimes send out second helpings:-). Old folks say that "The Lawd takes care of fools and babies." I'm praying that the old folk are right, again:-).

I must thank you, Creator. As frustrated as I have often found myself in this romantic-love-slow year, I have learned to recognize and appreciate the love that I get from family and friends. I have learned to recognize what I truly need in a romantic relationship. I have learned how to provide some of my emotional support, so that I won't overwhelm, nor suffocate the next Brother who enters into a romantic relationship with me. Yes, reflection is a wonderful blessing.

May we all enjoy this season of Thanxgiving - cuz, really Thanx Giving is Every Day! :-)

When I'm so blessed...

To be mated and bring child(ren) into this world I want my husband to photograph my progress - maybe not as slick as Anne Geddes (but then - who knows? I may be blessed with a photographer husband;-). I am inspired by her images!

Click Woman & Baby image to see more of Anne Geddes' work. I LUV it!

It may even be fun to photograph our intimate interactions as Ali's Zay does! Not yet sure if I'm that brave - but it's fun to consider;-). Click image (one of my faves of theirs) below to get to his site & read/see more of his work! I LUV it, also!

God's Harvest - works in progress...

1) Planted by The Creator. Germinated deeply. Grunting, groaning, sighing, moaning, steady build up caused by regular friction to burst forth! An eruption in my head streaming messily all over my brain crevices & folds, salty, rushing to my fingers hoping to be the first to impregnate the pages. Will I bear twin poems, or one fat piece of prose? Will the labor be long and painful, or will the Gods be gentle and allow these ideas to come forth easily kicking and screaming, healthy to the world, crying joyously "Here we are!!"


2) I toil on this soiled body to keep it healthy in anticipation of the planter to come when he is done surveying and exploring other fields. I primp and cultivate. I implement regular emotional rotations, sifting through this organic matter in order to discover and remove all detrimental debris in preparation for the harvest.

*click on images for photo credits

Rest In Peace

Memorial Weekend 2007: May all my hang-ups Rest In Peace.

Thanks to those who served in all the wars that lead to my freedoms.
Thanks to those who came before me and fought for their lives simply for the freedom to live allowing me to burst forth and live freely as I do.

Thanks to the painful and often brutal experiences of my parents and my ancestors I'm pock filled with insecurities, fears, and anxieties. Not to mention a host of mental and physical quirks and idiosyncrasies.

Thanks to the passion, intensity and audacity of my parents and my ancestors to love in spite of their "ignorance and inability" I'm overladen with this..."senseless" faith in...a Higher power and in all that is living. Not to mention a host of endearing qualities and handsome genes.

So, I'd like to take this opportunity to lay My Issues To Rest.

All the BULL shit that cuts us deeply without laying one finger on us...Rest In Peace.

All the childhood taunts, the grown-up injustices and -isms, the social inequities that cause conflicts within ourselves...
may you all
REST.
IN.
PEACE.

Passion Fire

The Creator's pilot light flames eternally deep within me.

Mis-matches have struck against me.
Some have caused sparks or brief sputtering eruptions.
Some even burst into roaring bonfires.
Few have brushed down my mountains for years on end.

My soul has third degree burns from the third degree
I get when society asks me
Repeatedly ...
"How's your love life?"

Water evaporates when it hits these flames.
Thus, the rivers of tears cannot stop the burning.
And lately ... I cannot cry for long.

Yet, peace be still ...
The Flame simmers eternally within me and
Expectation licks at these lips in anticipation of the Passion to come.

C.A. Paige©May 2007
Click here for photo credit.

No Virgin

I'm no Virgin...
but I've never been explored...

I am virgin territories of unexplored depths.

I've been touched.
But, rarely connected.

I've been held.
But, rarely sheltered.

I've been in conversations.
But, rarely conferred with.

I've been looked at.
But, rarely looked into.

I've been listened to.
But, rarely heard.

I've been kissed.
But, rarely distinguished.

I've danced with.
But, rarely worked through steps.

I've partied with.
But, rarely been party to the collaboration of committed partnership.

And Now,
I am being regenerated
By The Creator ... for the Brother
... who I will fight for...not with.
... who will be the first... to be my last.

C.A. Paige©April 2007

Be knot a frayed.

(title updated: 4/7/07:-)

I sort through old, whole suitors.
Salvaging the great scraps, I toss the rest into a heap behind me.
The colors, hues, and varied textures bring tears of joy and pain while I reminisce on the memories of how I wore each one.
Fabrics frayed, care labels worn thin and often ignored.
I search through my spools of wisdom, prayers and holy texts for the right threads to peace it all together.
God has a purpose for this full closet and ragged me.
Retrospective studies sort through caresses, detect sincere words, hesitant gazes, bold statements, tones used to mask sensitive nerves and egos, and unravel errors in judgment.
Slowly, carefully, thimbles and cautionary tools are gathered in preparation for this new love quilt that is stitched by times' efforts of pushing through thick layers of belief patterns.

C.A. Paige©April 2007
**Note: The beautiful covering on the bed in the photo was created by my sister C.A.Paige2:-)

I Wish I Knew...and Glad I Better Understand:-)

You all know that I am thankful to my ancestors and parents for bringing me this far. I know therapists say we have to make peace with our pasts before we can move forward. One therapist told me that I had to acknowledge the role that my parents played in my development. Initially, I thought she meant I needed to lay blame on my fore parents for the pain or suffering that they had caused and I grew angry and frustrated with her. I don't believe that blaming the past will rectify my future. Clearly, there are many things my parents and ancestors could not know that I would need for survival. Heck, they were busy trying to figure this shit out for themselves "on the fly".

Now, I understand that the therapist simply meant I need to acknowledge the role that my parents played in my development, nothing more and nothing less - just acknowledge it. Today, as I worked on a tale for publication, the blatant acknowledgement took form without my initiating it. As I settled in to work on the piece I reflected on my life, as I often do. Like a good book, each time I reflect on my own story, I learn and notice something that I never noticed before. Sunday past, the guest speaker at church stated that God can restore ALL that has been stolen from us (time, objects, etc.). That message resonated as I reflected on self.

During my self reflection, I acknowledged the facts that my parents could not fully help me understand the dance between men and women, because they didn't fully understand it themselves. My parents couldn't help me understand business concepts, because they didn't understand them, really. I came of age in the eighties, when it was all about the partying and the "Benjamins", baby! I didn't fully understand what it meant to really value ones' self worth. I only knew that if you took care of yourself financially and you protected yourself when interacting with others (be it by use of prophylactics or just common sense) - that all would be well in your world. Living by those simple standards I am blessed and all is cool in my world.

I want more than cool. The Creator, my parents and fore parents deserve more than cool from me. Now, I'm ready to Set it Off!! (to borrow from one of my favorite "coming of age" house tunes;-). So, I list below a few things I wish I knew that would make it easier for me to set it off (and I pray The Creator will restore as the pastor promised:-):

I wish I knew (& glad I understand better:-):

• When my Daddy told me that women have the power to direct relationships, that he had clarified it was a quiet, subtle power; so that I wouldn't have "beat up" so many Brothers, because I "let a jokah know! I was not to be taken advantage of!"
  
• That when Ma told me she didn't like being married, it was because she had been a beautiful young woman, who had been frightened and didn't understand that marriage did not have to equal bondage.
• That entrepreneurship does not mean homelessness:-).
  
• That following ones' passion means finding God's Flow for you. We are given many gifts; it takes "listening" to that quiet, constant voice to help you determine which gift to use for The Creator's glory and abundance.

Again, I'm So Thankful that each new day is another chance to get it Write;-).


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Laughter...leads to Love

Laughter is the True Afro-dizziac;-).

I'm sure there have been more scientific studies than my own personal life stories. But none have been as fun to me personally. LOL!

Lawd knows I love a good laugh! As I'm getting to know a Brother, I swear that laughter will often lead to intimacy quicker than that much discussed, highly promoted "first kiss". The first kiss has gotten much media hype, while laughter has been the underdog, that does all the work FOR the kiss. I guess, you could call it first kiss "foreplay". The first kiss may be forgotten, while the laughter will be the driving force that keeps me interested. When the laughter dies in my relationships, I'm generally aware that the rest of the ship is sinking, too.

What are some of the funniest moments before, during or after intimacy? I'll share a couple of my stories - feel free to add yours!

Note: None of these include tales of laughing AT anyone. The laughter I'm referring to will only lead to MORE intimacy, not bitterness.

1)
Everyone hears about the bed breaking in the midst of the act, but until it happens to you you can't really appreciate it. I don't recall being in the midst of anything acrobatic or even extremely intense - but suddenly we were jolted to the floor level with a BANG! After the initial surprise, I recall my partner and I laughing until we cried! Of course, we jokingly "bragged" to each other about who was the cause of such an "honor" as tearing it down!

2)
Not so smoove operators! NOTHING is funnier to me than those little moments when I or my partner have unsuccessfully attempted to do something that's "sure to smoothly impress the other": whether it's the kiss that's going to curl his toes and only succeeds in a tooth clash, or that acrobatic move you've been practicing to blow his mind and you catch a cramp in the midst of it, and we can't forget the many promoted suggestions you've been wanting to experience, such as edible accesories that end up getting caught in some bad places!

First Love, Flirts & Crushes....aaaahhhh

Do you remember your first LOVE? Do you recall your first flirts or "crushes"? Do you remember how HIGH you felt, like you could touch the sky? Do you remember how frightened, yet exhilarated you were by this whole intimacy dance?

Come go with me as I share a couple of my precious first memories.

Beautiful Chocolate and a handful of change:
My dad stopped the car at a local Seven Eleven so that my best friend and I could get snacks on Wheeler Road in SE, DC. The most beautiful, chocolate man that my 13 or 14 year old eyes had ever seen was also in the store. I lost all sense of time, space or reality. I no longer recall what I purchased, nor who was in the store with me. I made my way to the check out counter and Beautiful Chocolate was behind me in line. My brain seemed to have shut down. I could no longer compute or communicate. Only my extreme awareness of the most beautiful man permeated my entire being; absolutely nothing else mattered to my brain. I held my change in my hand and it seemed I shifted the money around and around trying to make sense of what each of those objects in my hands were. Finally, Beautiful Chocolate came to my rescue and counted out the necessary coins for my purchase from my hands as I simply stared at him with complete, unpretentious awe.

Sister, Cousins and a car full of boys:
Walking along with my sister and several female cousins to a local recreation center in Hillcrest, DC I was used to boys stopping my elder female relatives to talk to them. When the car full of boys stopped I took up my resting pose as I waited for the usual exchange to take place. To my utter shock, one of the young men approached me. "How you doin'?" he asked with an easy smile. "What are you doing? I'm too young for this!"I responded. I recall watching his expression go from ease to true puzzlement. "How old do you think I am?" he asked. I looked carefully at him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and tell him how old I really thought he looked, as I replied, "I don't know, at least 16. But, I'm only twelve." I must have given a satisfactory response at the same time that someone called for him to hurry up. He smiled again and said, "See ya later," as he ran back to the car.

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Butterfly....me

If you look closely at the photo you can see butterflies. If you look closely at me, you will see a butterfly who has come out of her cocoon, too.

Thank you to all of the Beautiful Brothers who have loved me. Some of you I know and some have loved me from afar, nevertheless, all of your energies have made me into the loving, passionate Woman that I am today. Note: Please do not mistake my passionate to mean the overt sexuality that has become a profitable, Internet past-time.

As I listen to other women, and read or listen to the relationship "experts" I wonder - how did I come to love Black men as I do? Now, don't let me mislead you into thinking that I'm presently in the ideal relationship as written by my favorite romance novelist B. Jenkins (U like that plug, Mrs. B? ;-). Not yet, anyway...soon, I believe I will be in a wonderful, loving and ideal for me relationship;-). I do have my share of concerns with trusting and committing to another human being. But, I'll get to that later.

Right now, I must send out a universal THANK You, to the beautiful Black Men who I have had the great fortune of crossing paths with. Regardless, of my "shoes", I ab-so-lute-ly ADORE Black men!

The hour is now late and I must get a bit of beauty rest;-).

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