I get it. Not sure if I'm ready to practice it, yet. But, I finally get it. I finally understand the strength that lies within vulnerability. I understand that the "strong", independent women who didn't need nobody who I have grown up surrounded by were actually afraid of being vulnerable. We have been afraid to trust the strength that is in vulnerability. I went to see Tyler Perry's newest movie, Why Did I Get Married. It was an entertaining movie. I most appreciate the fact that it sparked some real conversation with a close friend about a key aspect in relationships: vulnerability.
Generally, going into relationships I'm "looking for" honesty, commitment, financial sense, blahde, blah... After watching and discussing the various aspects of those four or five movie relationships I was made aware of the fact that I have only allowed myself to truly open up and be completely vulnerable to ONE man in my romantic past. Wow...it was a revelation to know how guarded I really have been in the past. In the discussion with my good friend, I realized that being vulnerable will not lead to catastrophe - even if the individual with whom I'm vulnerable does not appreciate me or all that I give. The worst that can happen is they fuck up my credit, spend all of my life's savings, take all of my earthly belongings including a few "cookies";-). But, those are material objects that Do Not Define me. I can always recuperate material gains. But, love, passion, faith - those cannot be gained without the vulnerable action of stepping into God's flow with another fallible human being. I already know what it's like to be broke financially. I even know what it's like to be broken hearted and to fly solo for years. Now, I want to know what it's like to fly in tandem. Creator, I'm not sure what you're planning for me, but I. think. I'm. ready. May The Creator bless you in your relationships. Thanks for "listening".
*click on image to enlarge and for source.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Strength in Vulnerability
Moved by The Creator, Merely posted by CapCity at 10/14/2007
Labels: love, self discovery
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31 Comments:
Great post! You know I was talking about this very thing with a friend of mine. I had let myself be vulnerable with someone who completely bulldozed my heart. It had been a while before I would let someone get that close and as soon as I did BAM, I got burned. He broke my wallet and my heart and just went on to the next victim.
I would do it again though. I caught up with my financial setbacks and mended my heart so I could start again with someone truly worthy.
I never want to hold back again because of all the things I missed in the past when I loved half way. Girl look at you, got me musing and sharing and er'thang! Good post!
Yes, we are all vulnerable, one way or another. It's not only women who are vulnerable, men too can be vulnerable. It's just how we protect our vulnerability against "predators" that makes the difference between happy and miserable living. The best kind of vulnerability is with God. He loves it when we are vulnerable to Him so He can show His incomparable love and grace towards us. Thanks for the usual wonderful post. Smile. God bless and have a nice and wonderful day.
beautifully written girl! good for you! :P
The single independent thing for me was for survival. As a single parent, I had to be on for my child when her other parent was not holding it up. Even as a child, I had to watch out for me. My mom was not around or even into my life at times. Being a only child, I did have a couple of people to depend on but they could not be there all the time.
I can say I do ask for help here and there. I know I cannot do it all by myself. It is hard once you have looked out for you and only had a few folks have your back to be open.
Being vulnerable does take strength and it also takes discernment(in my opinion). You cannot just open to any ol' body.
I forgot to tell you I got the book True Love and started reading it. Ironically, a blog buddy Te-Erika has been posting regarding Love. Check her out at: http://www.te-erika.com/
Being vulnerable validates the fact that we are all vulnerable on this tiny speck of dust floating in the dark, lifeless universe.
Denying vulnerability sets one up to perpetuate the lie that we are not vulnerable, thus not being honest with ourselves. With vulnerability comes honesty, with honesty comes self actualization, growth and love.
“To Thine Own Self Be True…..”
William Shakespeare
Girl you sound like me before him. I was very guarded and in a sense not true to some of the men I dated in my past, but when the right one comes along that you feel "SAFE" with, you can't help but let down your guards.
Even though life happens and things change, I know now that I love being loved, and more than that I love loving someone else.
lol,bc you and i just had this discussion. I too, didn't go see the movie, didn't think i was ready, felt i would just cry my heart out about all that i didn't have, when i have so much...being vulnerable after heartbreak is a challenge within a challenge, and yet i'm willing to take it, for the sake of what's true....yep, yep, i'll be the phoenix one more time for what's true.
Being vulnerable is so scary. But that's when we reap the greatest rewards. Go figure.
You got it! You REALLY GOT THE POINT! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! Now, could you teach a few more sistahs what you've learned? Wow...now I have to watch a Tyler Perry movie! I need to see what helped you cross over!
Now that the excitement of your good news has eased a bit, I can say the rest of my thought! As Mel said earlier, men face the same internal battles to overcome distrust and cynicism. Vulnerability does not negate good sense. In fact, it seems to open us to even greater foresight and extra strength to stand by our convictions. Giving is sharing, and there are no real losses when you share with someone who has earned an invitation to the deepest sections of you. On the other side of the subject, who suspends their good sense in the name of being vulnerable? Knowing someone well enough to let him/her in your heart should INCLUDE knowing how well you can trust that loved one with financial decisions or gifts. Some people have great hearts and minds but suck at fiscal moves. Can we accept that?
wow...didn't expect to get such reactions! i'm a li'l slow today - recuperating from a FULL weekend:-).
Femigog - thanx, sis! i'm going to try to get back into that "pool" - just makin' sure there are no sharks;-).
Mel - thanx for your calm presence. i know that men are vulnerable, too - but, i haven't been concerned with them - too busy guarding my own heart. And you're SO right - I am in the midst of learning & living vulnerability to My Creator!
Li$a - thanx, Girl! u know i'll keep ya posted - whether u want to "hear" it or not. LOL!
Shai - yea, discernment goes without SAYING! I guess God is preparing me for the next phase in this life-dance;-). I hope u enjoy that li'l gem of a book as much as I do. I'll have to check out that blog, too.
David - thanx! I just wish somebody had "told" me this before: "With vulnerability comes honesty, with honesty comes self actualization, growth and love." But then, I probably wasn't ready to hear it;-)
Gurrlll, YES! I do love being LOVED and LOVING - but I now know that I need to "graduate" beyond my limited perception of what that meant.
Miz - yea, i caved & joined in on a Girl's night at the movies (none of their men wanted to see that chick flick. LOL!)...it was especially helpful to have that discussion w/ my girl afterwards - it stopped me from coming home to a bottle of wine. LOL!
Diva - SISTAH u nevah lied - scary is not the word! As adventurous as I can be & brave as I'm proud to be...i finally admitted that vulnerability is one "height" i'm working to overcome a fear of!
Brother Ced - thanx! *blushing* actually, i also went to see TP's Daddy's Li'l Girls (which i LOVED & liked better - but that's cuz that movie "spoke to" my own experiences as a Daddy's girl;-). I find i can deal with him now that he's not wearing a dress! Thanx for that wisdom, Brother. Felt like we were back chillin' on the "quarter deck". LOL!
@Ced: If you don't know then you make that mistake. It took me a long time to get who to be vulnerable with. And this is in all relationships not just romantic. Knowing who you can share your innermost feelings is important. I knew to be careful not to blurt it our to folks. But then I also learned some folks even relatives you can share certain things with.
I know I am not the only one who has made the faux pas of being vulnerable either too soon or to the wrong person.
I saw WDIGM twice this weekend. Seems like I've been doing nothing but talk about relationships since then, lol!. While I can relate to all of the women in the movie....and CLEARLY understand your/and the movie's message that sometimes vulerability can be a good thing....I'm just not ready to do that in a relationship. I can be vunerable with my friends (male and female) till the cows come home. For some reason though, I'm just not ready to be that way with someone I'm dating. Hope I don't blow it.
Shai - life is a learning process....when u stop learning you're dead. Many of us have made mistakes & errors in judgment. Some errors can cost u your life. When I wake up each morning I realize - no matter HOW grave my errors were - how big a fool i may have been - I'm STILL HERE, so God thinks I did OK and is giving me more time to do better!
Nic - thanx for stopping by! Hey, I'm not giving instructions for anyone else (& i also stated that i'm not sure if i'm ready to practice it again, either;-). We're ALL feeling our way thru this life. I just wish passion and prosperity for ALL!
Cap that was not exactly the angle I was looking at. Ced made this statement:"On the other side of the subject, who suspends their good sense in the name of being vulnerable?" And I was commenting on that.
And I still think my response fits, Shai;-)
Hugz, CAP (who'll respond regardless of who it was directed TO here on my blog;-)
Oh yeah :) My bad. I didn't mean for it to read like that (I know you weren't). The above ^ was more of like a prayer of patience to whomever I am supposed to be with (seems like he might not exist at times, LOL!) in the future. It's like, I know what I need to do, but it's hard to break out of this self-protective pattern I've gotten into.
Great post. Thanks for having me! I'll be back!
Peace
Nic, SIS! I hear ya! Glad u enjoyed your "time" here in my blog-corner:-). thanx!
Hey Cap! Long time! I just wanted to stop by and say hi. I LOVE the ceramic figure on this post. It speaks the truth. ;-)
HEY Denea! I figured an artist like U could appreciate such;-). Thanx, Girl! Good to "see" ya!
Cap you are hitting some emotional points with me on the last two posts.
I am currently reading a book by Toby Thompkins about the myth of the Strong Black Woman. Geez, transforming is eye-opening, interesting and exhausting.
So I am not the only scared and scarred butterfly hoping to flit again on love and all that other stuff. LOL.
Whew! When I first was in love, vulnerable and intimate, I was so naived. Now I am so jaded and guarded at times I ask myself how did I change so much and not in good ways. If you can understand that.
Shai - i TOTALLY understand what you're saying. i'm glad that my last two posts have spoken to u. U really should check out Sistah Angelia's Blog. She's my unofficial advisor, counselor & encourager. At least to ME she gives hope. That sistah has been married for years and is very spiritual & uplifting to me. We are all finding our way, Shai. U've led me to many great spirits/blogs & i hope that we can continue to encourage each other along this "thrilling" life/love path;-).
Me, personally...I've found that I'm more apt to show & share my vulnerability than not. With that being said, while I do open up to my romantic partner(s), I also hold alot back (if that makes any sense). I was just thinking about my past relationships the other day and came to the realization that I haven't been my TRUE self in a relationship in a very very long time. Like you, there's only been one man whom I felt comfortable enough with to just be ME; and that was over 20 years ago (wow...thought to self).
My fear now of showing vulnerablity is that my recent past experiences have shown me that there are alot of people out there who see being vulnerable as a weakness instead of a sharing of the heart, therefore assuming your weak & take advantage instead of embracing what you're offering (your heart).
Unfortunately, this fear has put a halt on opening up to anyone (with the exception of my wonderful blog-family); albeit the re-birth of KIKI(the evil one). I can only pray that HE places someone in my path who will allow me to feel comfortable enough to just be ME!
@Kiki: Oh, my goodness I can SO relate. I was vulnerable with my first love over 15 years ago. I was really intimate AND vulnerable with this last love, who was not right for me. Go figure. I opened up wide,hell, I was writing bad azz poetry due to him.
Kiki, Gurrrlll - when my girl & i were talking about this it dawned on me that i, too hadn't been "open" for twenty years. i recalled what it felt like when we broke up & i literally thought i was going. to. DIE. the sad thing was that it was no one's fault that we broke up - he didn't dog me out or anything - sadly, the brother had an addiction & emotional issues that I was too young to help him with and so he did shit that I couldn't deal with...wow, didn't mean to put that out there - but it's there now! LOL! i guess, i see what you're saying about being vulnerable AND guarded...sometimes i feel that way - but i know my guardedness is stronger;-). i just pray that by opening up to our blog family - one day SOON i'll be able to open up to a real family of my own;-). Always good to see ya, Sis! When u coming to nyc so we can tear it up? u see sheletha's flix? ;-) i'm finally recuperating from showing her a good time! LOL!
*bopping my head to Aaliyah*
"Be brave ... don't be afraid..."
I promised myself to never show vulnerability within another realtionship, and so far I haven't, but I realized that eventually I will - they say one has to give in order to receive.
I hope the next woman that I fall in love with is my friend. First and foremost.
the aaliyah is courtesy Sheletha's nyc slide show - glad u're enjoying;-).
i unwittingly made that promise too, Don. Hopefully, our future "friends/life loves" will fit all of our likes & dislikes (had to refer to your funny blog post;-). LOL!
Vulnerability as a strength...I never equated the two. That's wierd because I've been discussing this a lot lately with an old friend re: how we seem to have a better friendship now because we are both being true to ourselves.
I definitely took vulnerability out of the equation in my last relationship, for fear of getting hurt. I'm strong. I don't wilt. I don't cry. You can't hurt me. But it served no purpose because I still was hurt when it ended.
LOL @ the worst that can happen. But when you're right, you are righter than that.
HEY Ms. LEE! What's going on, Sis? Good to see u! Until this conversation w/ my good friend I didn't equate the two either...especially as i look back and realized my "hard-rock" exterior wasn't protecting a DAYUM thang! LOL!
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